redllama.net

It urks me that some people cant drive while doing over 70MPH or not driving over 55MPH. I’ll just chalk that up to being scared. If that scares you, don’t drive on major highways, stick to back roads.

What urks me even more. People who can’t drive going 1MPH. It’s a wheel and a pedal and some depth perception. If that scares you, time to start taking a taxi everywhere.

Here is how you parallel park.

1) Pull up parallel to the car that will be in front of you.

2) Start back up, slowly, for now. Traffic can wait for you to do this perfect the first time.

3) When your back wheel lines up with the rear bumper of the from car that is currently next to you, start turning left, which is really right, but you’re backing up so it’s left. Confused? Good. Turn the big circle grippy thing clockwise, dummy.

4) Keep turning until your car is at about 30*-45*, depending on the size of the spot. Large spots are a 30*er. Tight Spots are a 45*er.

5) Once your half way in, where your passenger side rear bumper corner is lined up alone the same plane as the front cars license plate and the rear cars license plate AND you front passenger side tire is lined up with the rear bumper of the front car, this is where you start right, which is really left aka counter-clockwise, slowly, you dummy.

6) You’re looking for two things. A) In the driver-side rear view mirror, that you’ve lined up your driver-side rear bumper corner to the driver-side front bumper corner of the car behind you. B) That you’ve cleared the front car, so you really start turning the wheel to get the front end as far in as possible.

7) Using the passenger-side rear view to judge where and how close to the curb you are. When you get about a 2 feet to 1 foot from the curb. Verify that you’ve now cleared the car in front of you.

Now that you’ve cleared the front cars rear bumper, start turning the wheel all the way left, to go right, counter-clockwise, moron. Use the driver side rear view mirror to judge how much room you have.

9) You should be all lined up and have whipped the front end into the parking spot.

10) If you’re still at a slight angle. DO NOT PULL ALL THE WAY BACK OUT!. While still turned all the way left, back up ass much as possible. Then STOP. HOLD THE BRAKE. DON’T ROLL FORWARD. Turn the wheel all the way right. Clockwise, idiot. All the way, until you hear the power steering make the RPM’s drop. Now you may inch forward.

11) If you’re still at an angle, repeat step 10.

12) Straighten out you wheels and hi-five the passenger because you just parallel parked a car. Just like everyone else on that street before you did!

In the case of being trapped between cars. 50-point turn. Done mind bumping into the cars as the didn’t mind parking to close. I’m going to pick up a window marker now because of my next suggestion. And not one of those “Go Lake Braddock JV Football!!” fat markers. One of those, “My car got towed and I thought this writing would come off in the rain but now I’m outside using the green itchy side of the sink sponge and elbow grease thinking that I should go find the razor blade in the garage” markers. Opps, tangent. So, you’ve just successfully completed a 50-point turn. Stop, pull out that marker from the glove box and write one of the following, depending on your detective skills. Choice 1) “That KKK ain’t got shit on me! I wish you would say something!” Choice 2) “I fuck nigger cunt’s for breakfast!” And then on the back windows you write: “My kids that you see here are faggots!”

It’s just that easy to drive.

Yeah… unfortunately, my boss faces the window while working in his office, which faces the parking lot where I park my car.

Actually, I’m getting slightly better at the parallel parking. Not professional by any means, but there’s been an improvement.

If I could only see over the back of my car, I think I’d be able to back out of spaces with ease. Anybody looking to recycle a couple of old phone books?