Homer Humor
Classic Quotes by Homer Simpson (1955- ) Power plant worker, astronaut, grease collections/sales, mayoral bodyguard, sports mascot, sanitation commissioner, et. al.
When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
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When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
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I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.
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I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
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How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
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Operator! Give me the number for 911!
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Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
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Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
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Maybe, just once, someone will call me “sir” without adding, “you’re making a scene.”
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Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody’s a sinner! Except this guy.
[quote]Bart: [whining] Mom, my slingshot doesn’t fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening. [hangs up]
Lisa: We are not weiners!
Homer: Then what are you dressed like that for?
Bart+Lisa: They made us.
Homer: “Oh, they made us.” That’s loser-talk! You gotta start acting more like me and my team, the future champions of the world. Nothing’s going to stop us now!
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Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
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Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
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Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
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Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
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Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
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I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
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Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
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Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
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Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
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I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is — and it’s me.
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I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
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I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
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That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!
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Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
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Alright Brain, you don’t like me, and I don’t like you. But lets just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.
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Hey there, Blimpy Boy, flying through the sky so fancy.. free..
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I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!
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