Wanna know some things I hate? Dogs.
Dogs in general, fine, whatever, if you want a pet, and you want a dog, and you take care of it, fine, doesn’t bother me none.
Here are a few things that drive me crazy. Hitler crazy.
Do not put a sticker on the back of your car, truck or mini van that says, “Caution, Show Dogs” cus I couldn’t care less! If you are trying to get me to rear-end you, this is a good way to go about it. I do not give two shits that you have nothing better to do with your time than primp Fifi and take her out and show her off to all your dog-fucking friends. This sticker will not make me respect you on the road, or anywhere!
Do not, under any circumstances, compare your mutt to my child! I remember being pregnant, and a friend of a friend of my mom’s said to her yappity little shit of a dog, “Soon she’s going to have a baby..just like you”. First of all, NO! I am not. I am going to have a human baby, ya know…top of the food chain, opposable thumbs, biped, can speak english, HUMAN. The next time you say my baby is “just like” your dog, I will break his neck, skin him and grill and then feed him to my human baby. Maybe then you will see the difference, you dumb broad!
In addition to this last paragraph, in the recent past I have seen an increasing number of bumper stickers that say, “My [insert breed here] is smarter than your honor student”. I might just have to start shooting people. Sure, my kid isn’t an honor student (yet, give her time, she’s 4) but she is damn sure smarter than your [random dog]. Can your [mutt] recite the alphabet (my 4 year old can) do basic algebra? Make a volcano out of baking soda and vinegar? even color inside the lines? No, your dog cannnot! By dog standards, *sitting* is smart, so fuck off with that shit!
Your dog licks his ass, eats his shit, and is amused by chasing his own tail. Entertaining, sure. Good company, no doubt. But by no means smarter than ANY human.
If you have a dog, and I’ve offended you, get a fucking life, and some human friends.
Have a nice day.