Neat little accessories for the modern alchoholic.

http://www.oddee.com/item_95814.aspx

Popularity: 2% [?]

I’ve suffered through backing into a tree, running my rear wheel off the bridge in my own driveway while back out, and countless amounts of curb-hitting and parellel parking nighmares, and still mnaged to rate myself as “not-that-bad” on the driving scale. Until today.

I pulled my Civic into a spot next to an SUV this morning when I got to work. Since the lots at my office building are pretty tight when it comes to backing out, I try to pull into a spot where there’s only one car next to me and the spot on the other side is free, which leaves me some room. It’s always a gamble, though: either park clear across the parking lot or hope nobody parks next to you.

Long story short, the free space gets taken. The space in front of my gets taken, so there’s no chance of pulling through that one. What’s worse? The effing Toyota Tundra parked behind me. So I couldn’t get out of my space. Stuck. I was forced to go to the crappy little rip-off deli.

Why do I think I’m the worst driver ever? This isn’t the first time it’s happened to me. Actually, it’s the second time in 2 months.

Popularity: 2% [?]

So, reading through my daily dose of strange news this morning, I noticed something well… strange.

First, I’ll summarize:

A kid calls the cops because he gets robbed by men he’s attempting to sell drugs to. Kid ends up getting both a felony and a misdemeanor possession charge.

A few teenagers get caught trying to steal a small alligator from a miniature gold course. This I just don’t get. Why does a miniature gold course have a gator in the first place?

In any case, the strange thing is that both of these dumb events happened in (you guessed it) South Florida. The next time someone asks me why I would move here from Ft. Lauderdale, I’ll just tell them I got sick of living in a city where the classiest people are tourists.

On another note, they are selling the Santa Monica Pier ferris wheel on E-bay, in case anyone has $50K burning a hole in their pocket.

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The homeless guy on 23rd Street found a homeless woman to hang out with. Awwwe, he loves her! Strange how I can’t hold down a relationship but homeless people are hooking up left and right. On the other hand, I’m not standing in the rain all effing day. Soooo, I got that going for me.

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The other day I saw an elevator “hack” to get the car to go straight to the floor you want without stopping by holding the floor you want and the close door buttons at the same time.

[quote="engadget.com"]Apparently lots of elevators have an express mode that lets you override everyone else’s selections and go straight to the floor you’re going to. You just press “Door Close” and the button for your floor at the same time. Should work on most Otis elvators, as well as a few other models that are out there[/quote]

It hasn’t worked for me so far. There was a post by a guy saying he works for Otis and called bullshit on this. It also seems like the door close but is useless to the public according the list below.

[quote="The New Yorker"]# The Door Close button is there mostly to give passengers the illusion of control. In elevators built since the early ’90s. The button is only enabled in emergency situations with a key held by an authority.

# The only known occurence of an elevator car free falling due to a snapped cable (barring fire or structural collapse), was in 1945. A B25 Bomber crashed into the Empire State Building, severing the cables of two elevators. The elevator car on the 75th floor had a woman on it, but she survived due to the 1000 feet of coiled cable of fallen cable below, which lessened the impact.

# Elevators are twenty times safer than escalators. There are twenty times more elevators than escalators, but only 1/3 more accidents.

# Elevators are also safer than cars. An average of 26 people die in elevators each year in the U.S. There are 26 car deaths every five hours.

# Most people who die in elevators are elevator technicians.

# The Otis Elevator Company carries the equivalent of the world’s population in their elevators every five days.

# The New York Marriott was the first to introduce a smart elevator system that assigned passengers to elevators depending on what floor they were heading to.

# Elevators used to require a two-man dispatcher/operator team to function. The advent of navigational buttons rendered those jobs obsolete.

# The area required for personal space is 2.3 feet. The average amount on elevators is generally 2 feet.

# Elevator hatches are generally bolted shut for safety reasons. In times of elevator crisis, the safest place is inside the elevator.

# The myth about jumping just before impact in a falling elevator is just that — myth. You can’t jump fast enough to counteract the speed of falling. And you wouldn’t know when to jump.

# Due to the laws of physics, elevators can’t be any taller than 1700 feet. Hoist ropes become too heavy after that, snapping at 3200 feet.[/quote]

Popularity: 2% [?]

So, yesterday, walking out to my car I see this sculpture of a pink Cadillac with jet wings on the corner of the block. Kinda weird. Looks like something you’d see at Silver Dinner or Generous Georges. It looks like someone left it out as trash. Then I noticed another fighter jet across the street. And then another.

[quote="washington.bizjournals.com"]Fifty airplane statues will begin landing in selected spots April 9 in a nearly five-mile loop throughout the Arlington County enclave and remain there for the summer… The public art show is also a means to recast Crystal City’s image as it continues efforts to transform from solely a terminus for worker bees to a 24/7 destination for visitors and locals alike.[/quote]

I figure it’s some dumb artsy movement or something. It is, sorta. From Tivoli Too’s, the people who created the forms, web site, “To create really cool stuff that ‘wows’ people in it’s environment that is fun for employees and clients. Barf. That just reeks of “pat me on the back because I got paid to do something that someone else thought of because we aint’s creative enough on our own”.

It’s all a part of the Crystal City Business Improvement District.

[quote="crystalcity.org"]Established in April of 2006, the Crystal City Business Improvement District (BID) is creating a soul for Crystal City. A public-private partnership, the BID is providing a higher level of service to visitors, workers and residents in Crystal City – driving to become world-class destination in both Arlington and the greater DC region.[/quote]

Basically they wanna make Crystal City this hip place to be. I work, play, shop type place. Although it is a nice area. Maybe instead of slapping planes on every block, how about helping out the 4 homeless people I’ve seen trolling Crystal City since I’ve been here. Or is that the last bullet point on the Crystal City visitors guide brochure, “We gots dem homeless peoples, too! * No feeding after dark.”

I’ll give it till the weekend till the drunks come out and trash the sculptures. At least three per weekend. That’s 16 weeks, which is close to mid-end summertime. At first it’s just vandalism, then it turns into the drunkenest scavenger hunt ever!

As nice as this area is supposed to be. People still write “Move Me” or “Wash Me” on cars in the parking garage. Which apparently you never grow tiresome of doing. It’s a classy bit like “rubber balls and liquor”. Next to it I read, “I’m drunk”, so, you know only the smart, well spoken people work in this area.

Stay classy, Crystal City.

I found a gallery online here: [url=http://picasaweb.google.com/CrystalCityBID]http://picasaweb.google.com/CrystalCityBID[/url]

Popularity: 1% [?]

The Don & Mike farewell show will be this Friday, the 11th.

As for the Mike O’Meara Show, I’ve got mixed feelings. Although I like all the guys and the returning Beth Ann McBride. It’s just that on the day’s Don is absent they seem a little all over the place. Don really quarterbacks the show very well. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how it turns out.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Okay, I’ve seen most of these before, but some of them were pretty good.

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car.”
–Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
“Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
–Author Unknown

3) “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?
There’s a support group for that.
It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
–Drew Carey

4) “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house.”
–Jeff Foxworthy

5) “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the
infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
–Dave Barry

6) “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp.”
–Bob Ettinger

7) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”
–Paula Poundstone

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: “Duh.”
–Conan O’Brien

9) “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God….
I could be eating a slow learner.”
–Lynda Montgomery

10) “I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough.
Let’s go west.’”
–Richard Jeni

11) “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.”
–Johnny Carson

12) “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
–Paul Rodriguez

13) “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida ,
but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”
–Jerry Seinfeld

14) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?”
–Warren Hutcherson

15) “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.”
–Oscar Wilde

16) “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.”
–Mark Twain

17) “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan ”
–A. Whitney Brown

18) “You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
‘My God, you’re right!
I never would’ve thought of that!’”
–Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it “PMS”?
Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
– Unknown, presumed deceased

20) “Everybody’s got to believe in something.
I believe I’ll have another beer.”
–W. C. Fields

And lastly: Why in the hell should I have to “Press 1 for English?”
–Every American

Popularity: 1% [?]

It’s an “I’m-craving-this-so-I-should-eat-this” chart. Next time I get a craving for a cold beer, I’ll find some raw cabbage juice, sun-dried black olives, potato peel broth, and seaweed. Should nip that craving in the ass! At least it’s not cause by raging alcoholism. And, does anyone really get a craving for burnt foods though? I don’t mind my pizza a little charred, I just don’t ever plan on cooking it that way.

[url=http://www.naturopathyworks.com/pages/cravings.php]http://www.naturopathyworks.com/pages/cravings.php[/url]

Popularity: 1% [?]

Well, I figured this was fitting for a Monday morning. At least I don’t have some of these jobs. 125 tampons a day? Weekly cleanings of porta-potties? I shutter at the thought.

Did You Know These Jobs Exist?
By Rachel Zupek, CareerBuilder.com

Do you ever wonder whose job it is to do some of the less desirable things in life? If you think about it, there’s a job doing almost anything, no matter how exciting, disgusting or just plain weird it may seem.

For example, remember when you stuck your wad of gum underneath the seat of a roller coaster so you wouldn’t choke? That sticky mess didn’t just disappear – a gum buster scraped it off, using a special steaming tool that removes gum stuck to various surfaces.

Think about all those times your golf ball didn’t make it over the water. Did you think the fish ate them? Nope, a golf ball diver, who scours the depths of bodies of water on golf courses to find lost golf balls to refinish and resell, got it.

Many Americans dominate the corporate working world, but don’t forget about those who took the road less traveled. Through photography in her books, “Odd Jobs” and “Odder Jobs,” Nancy Rica Schiff portrays people working jobs you probably won’t find in the Sunday classifieds.

They aren’t your run-of-the-mill doctors, lawyers and the like. Some are simple, some complex; some are common, some one in a million – but one thing’s for sure – they are all (extremely) unusual.

Here are 20 odd jobs portrayed in Rica Schiff’s books.

1. Breath odor evaluator
What they do: Odor judges smell nasty morning breath or breath “insulted” with strong scents, like garlic or coffee. They rate the breath on a scale from one to nine, one being the worst. To test odor-reducing products like gum or mouthwash, they smell the breath again and assign it a new rating.

2. Diener
What they do: Prepare cadavers for the pathologist before autopsies are performed in hospitals.

3. Ribbon candy puller
What they do: After a heated combination of sugar, corn syrup, water and coloring agent has cooled, batches of different colors are laid out side by side. Someone then pulls the candy thin until it’s about an inch wide. The final product is a multicolored hard candy.

4. Ocularist
What they do: In short, they paint artificial eyes. It sounds easier than it is, since as with real eyes, no two are exactly the same.

5. Flatulence smell-reduction underwear maker
What they do: Create underwear that protects against bad human gas for people who suffer from gastrointestinal problems. The underwear is made with various materials and filters to help remedy hydrogen sulfide gases, the main offender in foul smells.

6. Beer tester
What they do: Taste – and spit out – beer all day to approve new and existing flavors.

7. Crack filler
What they do: Using a silicone sealant, they repair the wear and tear inflicted on monumental structures, like Mount Rushmore.

8. Ball tester
What they do: Assess basketballs, footballs, volleyballs and soccer balls for air-retention, inflation, roundness, weight and reboundability.

9. Video game tester
What they do: For eight hours a day, five days a week, a group of males and females of all ages play video games. They repeat levels, games and characters, looking for any bugs and/or glitches in the software.

10. Tampon tester
What they do: Check all sizes of tampons for absorbency and cord strength in accordance with Food and Drug Administration standards. Most testers check up to 125 pieces per day.

11. Gold reclaimer
What they do: Scour old teeth for fillings, melting the gold from them with broken gold jewelry into tiny gold pellets, which are then resold to jewelers.

12. Dog sniffer
What they do: Once a week, they analyze the odor of dogs’ breath to test the effect of the animals’ diet on their teeth. Breath is graded on a scale of zero to 10 and is categorized as sweaty, salty, musty, fungal or decaying.

13. Potato chip inspector
What they do: Search for overcooked or clumped chips to discard as they come down the assembly line.

14. Porta-potty servicer
What they do: Like regular restrooms, portable toilets need maintenance, too. Once a week, service workers clean these single-stall facilities to achieve certain standards of sanitation.

15. Barbie dress designer
What they do: Fashion designers at Mattel Toys, the company behind Barbie, create hundreds of new styles for Barbie and her ever-expanding entourage.

16. Wax figure maker
What they do: Mold wax to create figures, often for, but not limited to, the human form. Figures are often made in the likeness of people who have achieved historical or celebrity recognition.

17. Safecracker
What they do: When combinations are lost or forgotten, safecrackers use their ears and fingers to open the safe.

18. Wig maker
What they do: Put simply, they make wigs, but the process is anything but simple. First, wig makers create a plastic model of the wearer’s head and hairline, and then they transfer the mold onto a padded canvas similar to the client’s general head size, covering it with wig lace. Using a needle, they knot and pull thousands of hairs, one by one, through the mesh cap. Once all the hairs are in place, the wig is styled to the wearer’s preference.

19. Paper towel sniffer
What they do: Paper towel manufacturers prefer their products to be odorless before, during and after their use. Naturally, paper towel sniffers ensure that once a paper towel is used, there is no noticeable scent.

20. Foley artist
What they do: Use whatever they can find to create and record the noises used to make the sound effects in films, like heavy footsteps, rolling thunder or creaking doors.

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