The world knows Americans have no interest in soccer. Americans know Americans have no interest in soccer. So, if you’re an American, why do you act like you’re interested in soccer?

Now, I played up until mid high school. Then I became more interested in hockey than soccer. But when I played, I played halfback, mixed in with left wing and maybe goalie during blue moons. I would like to think that know a tad about the sport. So, I like soccer. I’ve grown out of it a bit, but I still like it. I can tell you one thing; if there’s a match on, I’m not going to sit there for 90 minutes watching it. Unless I’m at work.

Being around someone who doesn’t know soccer but still is intensely watching it, annoys the shit out of me. “Ohhhhh, so close!“. Ummm, what? Yes, the player was in close proximity to the goal and/or goal keeper while kicking to ball wide of said goal or straight to the said goal keeper. What you failed to notice, since you don’t know jack shit, is that the before mentioned player attempting this “oh, so close” goal was around “oh, so” 20 fucking feet offsides. I know, I know. You just learned what offsides in hockey is last season but, I’m afraid to inform you, it’s a little different in soccer. So, next time that you think something exciting is happening, just yell out, “Ohhhh, I got no fucking clue what I’m ‘ohh’ing about!” That way I don’t have to turn around and repeat my “What a moron.” thought.

Speaking of morons. Listening to you people around me, discussing a game you just watched or possibly only saw highlights of, really urks me, as well. You’ve just plagiarized the sports caster that I just listened to ten minutes ago. Trust me, you’re not going to come at me with some personal incite, divine wisdom or even an original thought. From now on you’re only allowed to say, “Man, I wish team ZXY would had won.” I’ll reply back with something witty, you’ll laugh and I’ll go back to my life.

Vuvuzela? OK, stop saying that word. You didn’t know what it was prior to the South African World Cup. And if you did, you’re a big fat liar. I know you’re lying because I didn’t know that it had a name. I knew of the noise. I could picture it in my head. People with painted faces, a flag tied around there neck like a cape, blowing a long plastic horn. The only thing more annoying than the buzzing noise it creates is the obvious facts they you drop about them. “They sound like a swarm of bees.” Yes, I heard both sounds before and didn’t need your intelligence to connect the dots. “You could chug beer out of one.” Wait, what? There are two holes in it? You’re a genius.

I’m just saying. Off all the numerous conversations pertaining to sport that I’ve participated in, I’ve never been asked, “What’s your favorite MSL team?” After the allure of the World Cup wears off, I’m pretty confident I still won’t be asked.

Popularity: 1% [?]

I had some trouble/quetion with my FiOS bill the other day. While I was logged on to MyVerizon I looked for some Live/Online help. After about 5-6 links that randomly took me to other links, I found it.

Chat Subject: FiOS Billing Question
Your Question: I was double charged for my FiOS Internet this month. $74 instead of $37.
A Verizon eCenter Representative will be with you shortly. Thank you. (17:19:20)
17:28:46 We apologize for the delay.You are next in the line. A representative will be with you shortly.

OK. Cool. I’ll just wait here and do other things, rather than pressing a phone to the side of my head, that usually cause sweaty ear syndrome. Plus there’s this nifty little countdown of what place I was in queue. Looks like Verizon has got it’s shit together. Can you hear me now? Ha, ha! Oh hum, lets continue, shall we?

Agent Patricia has joined. (17:28:56)
Patricia : Chat ID for this session is <some randomly generated number>. (17:28:56)

Sweet, an agent. Took almost ten minutes but it’s 5PM. I assume they might be a tad bit busy around this time of day. Annnnd, a minute rolls by. Not a peep. So, I give this pick-up line a whirl.

Boofer(17:30:13): hello?

Smooth aren’t I? Meh, I got nothing. Not until 20 more seconds later at least. Then I get this…

Patricia (17:30:33): Hello. Thank you for visiting our chat service. I will be happy to help you today. Do you have your account number please and I will be happy to check for you.

Well, that didn’t looked scripted. It must be Patricia’s first day on the job. Still getting use to that fancy keyboard. Damn you, QWERTY!

Boofer(17:30:50): <some stupid assigned number given to me a long time ago>
Patricia(17:32:41): One moment while I check for you.

Hey! She was paying attention this time. I mean, Hey! Tow minutes later she was paying attention this time.

Now, she’s going to “check for me”. Translation: she’s going to close out all those pesky windows that hide the desktop, since that’s the true way to navigate an operating system, and then double click that “billing program” icon like twelve times. If at first it doesn’t succeed, try, try again. And again. And again. That’s how computers work. If it looks like it’s doing nothing, you’re correct, it isn’t. Click, asset, repeat. I should write “Help Desk Support for Dummies”.

Looking back, I guess it all makes sense now. When people use to ask, “Wow, got enough windows open?” Umm, yea, I’m using them. It’s called multitasking. I listed it on my resume and everything. Well, I mean, it makes perfect sense to close out your browser window to get to the desktop to re-open your browser to view a different website. OK, Patricia’s back.

Patricia(17:35:56): I have checked your bills and last month you were billed for February 13th thru march 12. This month you were billed March 13th thru April 12th and April 13th thru May 12th. I can align you bill cycles so you will receive 30 billing at a time for future billing.
Patricia(17:36:33): In February you had no internet charges on your bill.

Honestly. I didn’t even bother to read or make sense of her first I.M. there. I hate doing mid month math. It even throws me when I’m watching Judge Judy and they talk about time frames. Just tell me the starting date and duration. I’ll do the math at a later date if necessary. Then I read her second I.M. I kinda remember getting away with something like that but I never bragged about it. So, I had to go double check her accusation.

Boofer(17:39:42): and I was charged twice in Jan?
Boofer(17:39:59): hence I wasnt charged in Feb

Oh snap! In your face… Pat! Wanna tell me one thing but TOTALLY not look at the month before… like I did… review all them facts, bitch!

Patricia(17:45:42): You need to contact the internet billing group at <some 800 number> so they can go over each bill with you and which bill cycle they billed you for on each bill.

Wait, what? I don’t wanna go over each bill with a fucking fine tooth comb. Nor, do I wanna call anyone. This is why I’m “Live Chat”ting with a Verizon representative. Cheese ‘n rice! So I politely say…

Boofer(17:47:43): perfect, i’m sorry this to difficult for you to handle, thanks for taking five minutes for each question to NOT help me.

I got no idea how she’d respond to this, I assumed with some pre-scripted bullshit. It’d be funny if she started some flame war with me.

Patricia(17:55:45): I am sorry I couldnt assist you any further. I had to review bills for several months to give the answers to you as I am not in the Internet billing group and had to manually go page and line by line thru each bill. The internet group are better able to assist you.
Patricia(17:55:56): Thank you for chatting with us. I hope I have resolved your reason for contacting us today. If you have any additional questions, please do not hesitate to contact us again. Please complete the survey at the conclusion of this chat. We appreciate your feedback.

Well, that was worth the 45 minutes. Granted I wasn’t on the phone at all but, I was under the impression I was going to be provided a service. You know, since I provide them with money once a month. Apparently more some months than others. And that line about “I am not in the Internet billing group“, then how the fuck did I get stuck chatting with you? The website asked me specifically, what department, what topic. Alos. funny thing about checking my own bill, I too had it in an itemized fashion. Making me read and shit. Besides, the Internet group would be better to assist me? Oh right, PDF format. Stupid me.

Don’t get me started on that “I hope I have resolved your reason for contacting us today” comment, ha! Yes, again, scripted but, you think you would have different closer if you were to of no use to anyone.

Obviously there’s a lesson to be learned today. Females aren’t good with numbers, and who let Patricia out of the kitchen this morning? No, no, I kid. I guess I meant, before starting an internet dialog with any help desk rep, you should A) confirm that they are familiar with said topic, and B) ask the question, “Are you slow or something?” You don’t wanna waste any precious company time waiting for nothing. Especially when it could be better spent perusing zany YouTube clips.

Popularity: 2% [?]

April in DC doesn’t bring to much excitement to the city. Of course there’s the Cherry Blossoms. The weather is midly nice for a couple weeks before it heats up to 100*.

In years past, April hasn’t been referred to as a “sports month” in the District either. There’s no football going on, minus rumors. The Wizards usually aren’t in any post season contention. The Nationals, while still new to the area, aren’t topping the headlines themselves. The United are in just kicking off their season too but, no one will realize that until October.

And then there’s the Capitals. Who are pretty much always good for a Eastern Conference Quarterfinals loss ever since, well, since the Eastern Conference was formed. I’m used to them losing in the Patrick Division Semifinals.

Which brings me to my point. All you bandwagon Caps fans are annoying. Almost as annoying as a Cowboys or Steelers fan. Just about as annoying as a drunk Redskins fan at the beginning of the year yelling about being Super Bowl bound.

Why did I associate Caps fans to NFL fans? Because that’s what THEY understand. They’ve never come across a bunch of stupid Pens fan, all wearing Lemieux jerseys. Scratch that, it’s Crosby jerseys now-a-days. They never had to listen to some moron talk about how great Eric Lindros is. By the way, where the fuck is his? Retired, November 2007. Thanks Google. I could go on and on, but I won’t.

There seems to be a shit load of “Caps fans” that weren’t around six months ago.

Now I have to listen to idiots talk about how they think the Caps are just going to sweep the playoff. Ummm, that’s not how hockey works. The 2009-2010 Caps aren’t the 1992 USA Olympic Dream Team. If you sleep on another NHL team thinking your record proves your the best in the league, you’re gonna lose. Which is what happened Game 1 vs Montreal.

Then I hear, “They just need to come out strong this next game and score first.” Really, thanks for you in depth professional analyst of the keys to the game, Don Cherry. Why do you say that? Did you hear it on the radio? Did it sound smart then? Because it doesn’t now. What team says, “OK, we should just go out there and play soft for the first two periods. Let them score first. It doesn’t matter to us. I know we rather try to make a comeback from a four goal deficit. Then, and only then, we’ll have them right where we want them”.

I know you’re not a hockey fan. Stop acting like you know what you’re talking about. You just look stupid. Or, umm, more stupid. Case in point:

Some D-bag bragging to his friends: “We got umm, Green, Backstrom, ummm Semin. Ummm, Ovie of course.”
< Then I barge in.>
Me: “Who were their goalies last year?”
D-bag: “Varlamov and Theodore.”
Me: “Oh yeah. How long have they been on the team?”
D-bag: “For like, umm, 3 years.”
Me: “Oh. So. Varly wasn’t a rookie last year?”
D-bag: “Oh, i’m not sure, maybe he was.”
Me: “And last year wasn’t Theo’s first year in DC because they signed Huet the year before that and he wasn’t all that great.”

I don’t remember what he said after that, I just wanted to chime in to cease the conversation.

Yes, I get it. You wanna be apart of something special going on in the city. I get it. That’s fine. Enjoy watching it happen. Watching. Not talking. Watching. Just because someone had to explain what Icing is to you doesn’t make you an expert. Next time you find yourself out and about, possibly drinking, and you feel the need to blurt out a comment about hockey that you’ve only overheard by a person who gets paid to talk about sports, don’t. Save your energy. You’re definitely going to need it in September, when you start riding on the coat-tails of the past <insert your favorite NFL team here> Super Bowls. Unless you’re a Browns, Texans, Jags or Lions fan. No Super Bowls for you. One year!

In closing, the Capstronaut is stupid.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Why do people all across the interwebings flock to any newly created threads to voice there option about someone whom has just past, and then end their post with “RIP “. It’s pretty fucking stupid.

As far as I know, this “afterlife” thing that all these church-goers have been raving about for years, doesn’t have access to the Internet. And if it did, you’d think they would slip that into “the good book”. You know, as a perk to do more gooder in life. Do they have dial-up access? You’d think someone on Earth would had noticed the 62 mile long telephone corder headed straight up to a cloud? Wait a second. A cloud? Is the Internet and “heaven” one in the same? Where all my DBA’s at!! No… I’m sure they’re two separate entities. They’d have to using Wi-Fi. 5G. I mean, it’s “heaven”. It’d have to be better then what we have. You’d assume they have dial-up in “hell”. 300 baud. Half-duplex.

Even if they did have the Internet in this “heaven” you speak off. Is it so boring that dead celebrities have nothing to do by Google themselves? I doubt it.

Basically it just shows that whoever types out “RIP” within their posts felt obligated to let YOU know that THEY’RE NOT put themselves first BY putting themselves first to SHOW that THEY DO put others first, just to show YOU that they “care” or were “raised properly”. Yep, I just typed that. And it’s really pisses me off that it’s that fucking backwards to have to explain it. But I see through your bullshit, your sticky web of “me, me, me”.

Let me put it this way, so we’re all clear. will never read what you posted to the Internet. They will never send you a thank-you note. It’s a little late to try and so respect and sympathy. They might had appreciated hearing that when they were alive. Stop trying to prove to us that you’re not selfish. You are, it’s OK, and we don’t care that you are.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Making some coffee the other morning, one question came to me. What do those numbers on the side of the coffee pot measure?

First you’d think it was servings. So, I did some 5th grade math, since I was slowly educated in Maryland. I filled the coffee pot up to the “4 line”, that’s 2 cups. I figured out a coffee mug filled, with room for cream & sugar fits 1 cup. Meaning, 2 cups = 2 servers. But why is there a fucking 4 on the side? It’s not 4 cups, it’s not four servings? Is it a ratio of scoops of coffee grinds to amount of water? If that’s the case, whats a proper coffee scope? Is it a measured amount? Is i just a spoon full? Those plastic spoons at work are smaller than normal metal spoons in your kitchen.

I’ve searched the Internet for an answer. I didn’t find one. Of the 1,340,000 web sites that were returned from my search, there was only one other person confused about the numbers. He/she wasn’t provided a solid answer. And yes, I check all 1,340,000 web sites. And no, he/she wasn’t a shemale, I just couldn’t tell the gender of the other inquisitive poster.

Did the off brand big-box-store coffee maker company just slap some arbitrary numbering system on the side of their pots to screw with us? Was it “two bits” for a “mug” of “muddy water” back in “olden times”? It’s a mystery that’ll take two chicks, a dog and a sweet van to solve.

Popularity: 3% [?]

As we all speak of time we have got pulled over by the police, George, a friend of mine, told me about a traffic stop that I couldn’t really believe. Not that I don’t trust him or his story, I just had to look it up myself.

As George said, he was on the highway going south on 395, just about to take the Manassas 234 exit. As he approached the exit he noticed two cops where up ahead, all lights on and had pulled over some other driver that most likely didn’t need to be bothered by the law. Just after he past these three cars on the side of the road and started taking the exit, the second cop left the traffic stop and pulled George over.

George was not drinking nor speeding. He was given a ticket for not changing lanes to the left as he past the cops on the side of the road. The cop also backed up his story with some bullshit about “feeling his car shake a bit” as George pasted.

I thought that was one of the dumbest tickets I’ve ever heard off. So, I researched it.

Turns out you can get a ticket in Virginia for “failing to yield to an emergency vehicle”, since 2002.

Section 46.2-921.1 of the Code of Virginia states:

§ 46.2-921.1. Drivers to yield right-of-way or reduce speed when approaching stationary emergency vehicles on highways; penalties.

The driver of any motor vehicle, upon approaching a stationary emergency vehicle, as defined in § 46.2-920, that is displaying a flashing, blinking, or alternating emergency light or lights as provided in §§ 46.2-1022, 46.2-1023, and 46.2-1024, shall (i) on a highway having at least four lanes, at least two of which are intended for traffic proceeding as the approaching vehicle, proceed with caution and, if reasonable, with due regard for safety and traffic conditions, yield the right-of-way by making a lane change into a lane not adjacent to that occupied by the stationary emergency vehicle or (ii) if changing lanes would be unreasonable or unsafe, proceed with due caution and maintain a safe speed for highway conditions.

Violation of any provision of this section shall constitute a Class 1 misdemeanor. If the violation resulted in damage to property of another person, the court may, in addition, order the suspension of the driver’s privilege to operate a motor vehicle for not more than one year. If the violation resulted in injury to another person, the court may, in addition to any other penalty imposed, order the suspension of the driver’s privilege to operate a motor vehicle for not more than two years. If the violation resulted in the death of another person, the court may, in addition to any other penalty imposed, order the suspension of the driver’s privilege to operate a motor vehicle for two years.

As I searched I found more and more stories about people being pulled over and surprised.

As the theNewspaper.com states:

Five years ago, the Virginia legislature made it a serious crime to drive past a police officer stopped on the side of the road without changing lanes. As a result, unsuspecting motorists — including those who are not speeding — can nonetheless be caught in a speed trap and face a first degree misdemeanor ticket that carries a fine of up to $2500. Despite the significant financial penalty involved, nearly three-quarters of all motorists have never heard of “move over” laws, according to a Virginia State Police news release issued in July.

Now, I haven’t read anything about outrageous fines and court fees. George didn’t mention anything like that in his story but, he did say while in court, the judge pretty much called him a moron for not knowing all the laws. Just so you reading know, Class 1 misdemeanor isn’t a “pay your ticket online” ticket, it’s a “welp, gotta get up early today for traffic court” ticket.

The jist of it is, if you see a cop on the side of the road, change lanes ASAP, or slow down a lot if you can’t safely move over. And what’s not to say that your actions could then create another unintended dangerous situation on the road? There’s one thing to say, “Hey, I’m working out here, move the fuck over!” vs “I’m just going to pull this car over in the most unsafe area I can find.” My point is made right here in this stupid traffic stop. As you were waiting for the obvious, did you not notice the extra four feet that could had pulled over, and still be on asphalt. Not to mention all the flat land off the road. This could all be simply solved if cops just stopped pulling people over. Then again, there would be no statewide income, resulting in my overly taxed cigarettes to now make me addicted to the lottery and scratch-offs.

Popularity: 1% [?]

I received an email from William this morning about the new price hike in postal stamps. To quote Casey Kasem, “and he writes…”

Postal rate increase in May, buy stamps now and save money….

I have confirmed you can indeed buy postage stamps now for 42 cents and they
will be good “forever” no matter how high the postage rate goes. Without
having to add additional postage….

“”" The Forever stamp will always be valid as First–Class postage on
standard envelopes weighing one ounce or less, regardless of any subsequent
increases in the First–Class rate.”"”

You can get the “Forever (Liberty Bell) non–denominated First–Class Mail
definitive Forever Stamp” from the U.S. Post Office website at…

https://shop.usps.com

you can buy them in 20 and 100 and packs, but they are in booklets only and
not rolls.

I understand the concept of the “Forever Stamp”. It’s less money and hassle to just accept that stamp than it is to make 1 or 2 cent stamps. I have no problem with it.

My problem comes with why the raise in price? Granted, some people don’t have access to the Internet and need to snail mail. Or they just don’t trust the Internet with handling there money transactions. These seem like the dumbest reason to use USPS.

The increase should be for some reason. I know that the USPS relies on postage sales and not Government funding. I also believe in a supply and demand system. And the USPS doesn’t fit under that category.

You take a business that’s know for it’s not so fun and it’s a pain in the ass to visit environment. Less technology advances than it’s competitors. Disgruntled employees. Plus, it’s decreasing demand of use. And then you make use pay more for this service?

This effects me in no way what so ever. As far as I know. I just don’t like the answer of, “we just need more money”. If the product was that good, you won’t need to increase the price.

With the recent bailouts and the USPS increases, it makes me wonder, what ever happened to going out of business? Did Circuit City not get the memo about just asking the Government for money? Or did they get reject with an “Eh, we’ll just go to Best Buy” letter?

How long will it be until we have to bailout a service no one uses. Just like the cars no one buys.

Someone higher up is going to have to realize the fact that companies just go out of business sometimes. If I could, I’d drive my 2009 DMC10 to the grocery store for some Superman Peanut Butter, but I can’t.

Popularity: 21% [?]

I got a call from an 866 number just now and I decided it ignore it. I’m on the National Do Not Call list, for whatever that’s worth. Any who, I get an alert of a voice message, and this is what they left [click here]. Herbert? Ohh, Jackpot!

Strange. I looked up the number and here are some other incidences.

These morons call me at least 3 times a day if not more.I did pick up once and they asked for a Ms.Gonzales.I told the guy that no one by that name lives here and to not call again.They said OK and they now all my answering machine and scream MS.GONZALES HELLO HELLO about 5 times before they hang up.I finally picked up another call from them and they asked for just Gonzales.I said NO ONE by that name and they then asked me if I wanted to pay $5.95 for a booklet on finding student loans.I informed him that nobody here is a student we are all old and educated and he said OK.Then he called back about 2 hours later asking for Ms.Gonzales,the same damn guy.Sounds like some asian kid his english was very very poor.

Black Male Caller asked for Betty; I told him he had the wrong number, he corrected me and said he had the right number and wanted me to update his records. I hung up on the asxhole.

what i do is call the # back if they can be reached. I have 2 cell phones and a land/line. the last time someone called and I could call them back and get them. I called there # with all 3 phones. unlucky for them i was off from work that day. I called and said oh im sory i must have dialed the wrong #. please forgive me. I’ll check the # and call again. after 2 hours of this the guy started cussing me and hung up. then when i called right back he got his boss on the line who told me i was harasing them and was tieing up there lines and was going to press charges. I laughed and asked him did he really think a judge would rule in his favor. I kept this up till they took there phones off the hook. they dont call here anymore. the only way to get these people to stop is to take 4 to 6 hours and do what i did get your friends involved. I know how everyone of you feel. for the past 3 days the phone here has been ringing off the hook from campain callers. barak this and mcCain that. this is really getting out of hand and it is harasment. I think we should all get together and put there numbers here on the web and start calling the s**t out of these people. from 8am on. give them a dose of there own medacine and see how much they like it. and they will stop calling your house. respectfully Troy k Dawes.

If I knew that it wasn’t going to be a recording I would had answered the phone. If you want to call them, the number is 1 (866) 806-2380.

Popularity: 9% [?]

It’s online 10:30 AM and I’m already sitting on a fucking rainbow. Flat tire, dead battery, inquiry of controlled substances and talked to some cops.

First my car starts sounding weird on HOV near Glebe and I drive all the way Army/Navy Dr to find out my tire got punctured. Once I pulled the tire, I noticed a shiny piece of metal in the tread. To bad I rode the side walls at 70 MPH for about 3 miles. New tire it is.

Once I fix the flat my car won’t start. The only people around are two guys in some utility truck. The come over and help me jump start the car. Granted the connection might be lose on my battery but telling me that this might be my problem and wiggling it and making it looser is going to help the situation. Shocker they asked me if I smoked. I laugh and told them only on the weekends and I don’t carry on the weekdays. If I actually did, I would had hook them but, I wasn’t going to tip them money for something they should just do out of kindness. Plus I don’t carry cash, either.

So I get the hell on around the corner when I come to a stop sign when the car dies. Lucky me, a cop was behind me. I didn’t waster any time acting like I was trying to start the car. I just jumped out and told the officer (Hey look, it’s a lady!) that my battery just died. We jump it. It died 30 seconds later. I felt like a idiot when she was wrapping up the cables that I needed another jump. So I tell her it won’t idle and I’ll just have to over rev it. Which is so much fun, in an automatic. Even though she was following me and she know I just needed to get to the other side of Crystal City as fast as possible, i still felt obligated to follow the posted speed limit with a cop behind me. I had to sit at the same red light twice, because some dick in a moving van was taking up a lane. So, any way. I waved, she didn’t touch my leg.

Basically it took me an hour to go 1.2 miles. Sitting on a rainbow, that’s my mood. Now, I’ve got to leave the building for a fire drill. Awesome.

Popularity: 8% [?]

I don’t want invites to your social web site. It’s a web site so you can find people who NEED to talk and chat about crap they think is cool enough to deserve it’s own web site. If I wanted to join, I would had already joined. And trust me, I’d be there before you if I was interested. All that you feel is new to you on the Internet, is months old to me.

Then we have my web site, it’s about llama’s, llama’s that are red.

I didn’t force anyone to sign up with multiple annoying emails. Nor did I need another web site to help me send emails, or “evites”, to all my friends. It seems like more work to get all the email addresses and move them to a different web site, just to send an mass email.

Evites. Now why do you think I would want to come to you event? Since other people will only go based on whom has accepted to join. And why do I need an invite when the event takes place at my house? This has happened more than once, it’s not just one dumbass.

I think I’ll just delete my email address. Or maybe just give out email addresses that would be offensive to those whom ask for my email address.

Popularity: 4% [?]