redllama.net

For English, Press 1 Now

So I need to prove to the Payroll Administrator that I am a U.S. citizen and eligible for work in the U.S. in order to get paid. What does that mean? Provide a Social Security Card. Apparently, driver’s license and birth certificate are not sufficient… who knew?

I have searched high and low for the damned card and cannot find it. What’s next? Download the form online, fill it out and bring it (with said birth certificate and driver’s license) to the nearest office in order to receive your replacement card.

So I call the 1-800 number to see if it’s possible to make an appointment at the office and what is the first line I hear? “Thank you for calling Social Security”, followed by “Blah, blah, blah, blah… for English, please press 1 now, or say ‘English’.”

Give me a break.

Traffic Tickets

ARGH!!!

I got a fucking ticket this morning on my way to work because I didn’t see a school bus stopped on the other side of the street. First of all, don’t put a school zone sign to my right with flashing lights, and cop with flashing lights to my left AND expect me to see a bus. I’m fairly certain that the cop was there JUST to distract people from seeing the bus so he could pull them over

To top it off, the guy was a complete dick! “The kids are in school now…” Look officer, I’m really sorry that you have a napolean complex, please stfu and let me get to work, which, oh, by the way, is at a SCHOOL, so I KNOW it’s in session. (in case you didn’t see the child in my back seat with a back pack and lunch box)

So, while I’m browsing the interweb to see how many weeks of grocery money this shit is going to cost me, I find in a list of offences, this:

[b]Driving with excessive lights for purpose of general illumination ahead of vehicle
Statute: 46.2-1030
Fine: $30
Processing Fee: $62
Total: $92[/b]

What the FUCK else are “excessive lights” for???

I hate people!!!

and I never did find the damn fee for my ticket

Phucking Phishers!

I hate People!!! That has been my motto for years now, and today, I was reminded why…

Anyway, I got a fishy email today. It said it was from Internal Revenue Service and the inside said this:

After the last annual calculations of your fiscal activity we have determined that
you are eligible to receive a tax refund of $375.20.
Please submit the tax refund request and allow us 3-9 days in order to
process it.
A refund can be delayed for a variety of reasons.
For example submitting invalid records or applying after the deadline.
To access the form for your tax refund, please click here

Note: For security reasons, we will record your ip-address, the date and time.
Deliberate wrong inputs are criminally pursued and indicated.

Regards,
Internal Revenue Service

I clicked the link to see what this was all about, and it took me to a very official looking page with a link on it that said it was the online form, and I should be prepared to enter a number of a *debit card* to which they could send the refund.

I checked on Snopes, and sure enough: http://www.snopes.com/fraud/phishing/irs2007.asp

If you get an email like this, please forward it to Phishing@irs.gov I’d hate for any of you to get ripped off.

Love, Krystal

Apparently, I'm incompetent

I work as AA for a wealthy homeowner’s association in Alexandria and I have recently relinquished my prestigious position and am now serving my punishment a.k.a. “two weeks”. Since giving notice of my plan to take over the world… er… ummm… quit, I couldn’t have been more reassured in my decision.

In my reinforcement, I will start by saying my desk is located under the fitness center, particularly the free-weight area, and also serves as the main reception for the pool. Great. Not only do I get fat old men in speedos, screaming kids, and constant requests for the phone number to Pizza Hut, I get to jump out of my seat every time a weight is dropped.

One of my many duties is to play receptionist and I have been forced to take on the front line position (I believe they call that “offense” in football?) and attempt to fix people’s issues before they get to my managers. I can’t even see over the freaking desk!! Since I started, a sign has been posted to explain exactly what it is I do at my desk, a name plate explaining that I am who I am, and numorous e-mail blasts have gone out posting my e-mail address as a contact. I’ve given up and asking if I can help somebody when they walk in. I just watch as they walk down the hall and watch as they walk back to ask me to help them. Idiots.

That’s all for now. Fluffer, let the fun-poking begin.

Holiday Parties

…c’mon now. Why can’t we call them what they really are, Christmas parties. But it’s all ways a good time when Christians try not to offend other known Christians by using politically correct named functions.

And am I a dick for actually wanting to be at the office rather than a work-related themed party?

And why do they think we wanna play games? Or sing Karaoke. Or mingle?

And why do they look at you funny when you say that you need to drink if you’re going to be hanging out with them in public?

Well, that last one I didn’t say. You know, ’cause I’ve gotta work with these people but… I thought it.

The most entertaining part was the woman walking around announcing to everyone that it was time for “White Santa”. She meant “White Elephant”. Ahhh, nothings spreads the cheer better than an Anglo-Saxon gift giver.

Two down. One more to go. Maybe more, who knows.

I hate your dog!

Wanna know some things I hate? Dogs.

Dogs in general, fine, whatever, if you want a pet, and you want a dog, and you take care of it, fine, doesn’t bother me none.

Here are a few things that drive me crazy. Hitler crazy.

Do not put a sticker on the back of your car, truck or mini van that says, “Caution, Show Dogs” cus I couldn’t care less! If you are trying to get me to rear-end you, this is a good way to go about it. I do not give two shits that you have nothing better to do with your time than primp Fifi and take her out and show her off to all your dog-fucking friends. This sticker will not make me respect you on the road, or anywhere!

Do not, under any circumstances, compare your mutt to my child! I remember being pregnant, and a friend of a friend of my mom’s said to her yappity little shit of a dog, “Soon she’s going to have a baby..just like you”. First of all, NO! I am not. I am going to have a human baby, ya know…top of the food chain, opposable thumbs, biped, can speak english, HUMAN. The next time you say my baby is “just like” your dog, I will break his neck, skin him and grill and then feed him to my human baby. Maybe then you will see the difference, you dumb broad!

In addition to this last paragraph, in the recent past I have seen an increasing number of bumper stickers that say, “My [insert breed here] is smarter than your honor student”. I might just have to start shooting people. Sure, my kid isn’t an honor student (yet, give her time, she’s 4) but she is damn sure smarter than your [random dog]. Can your [mutt] recite the alphabet (my 4 year old can) do basic algebra? Make a volcano out of baking soda and vinegar? even color inside the lines? No, your dog cannnot! By dog standards, *sitting* is smart, so fuck off with that shit!

Your dog licks his ass, eats his shit, and is amused by chasing his own tail. Entertaining, sure. Good company, no doubt. But by no means smarter than ANY human.

If you have a dog, and I’ve offended you, get a fucking life, and some human friends.

Have a nice day.

Hated Internet Words

So, some poll somewhere on the web-o-tron has come up with the top hated words on the internets. “Blog”, “netiquette”, “cookie” and “wiki” have come in close to the top.

Let’s tune in and hear what I have to say about these.

“blog” is just a stupid word to begin with. I mean, if it means “web log”, then why isn’t it “wlog”?

“netiquette”, eh, I’m partial too. It’s a word that should be know but never said. Basically, just don’t type in all caps unless you’re yelling, don’t pounce someone just as soon as they sign online, and search before posting a question. One more, stop sending jokes e-mails, I’ve heard it before, let me guess: “A penguin in a blender?” Oh yea, one more, STOP FUCKING WRITING 3’s FOR E’s AND Z’s FOR S’s. And if I wanted to be on MySpace I would had told you about it before you ever heard about it, so stop asking me to sign up. And, take the pics of child of the internet or at least take off the caption underneath it that reads, “My Thug Angel”. I digress. Thanks Pooh and Phonte for pointing those out to me.

Where was I? Ah…

“cookie”, if you don’t know what one does, don’t know how to create, delete or remove one, then just never say the word. It’s that fucking simple. And, no it doesn’t hold your credit card information. Idiots.

“blook” this one is new too me. Mainly because I don’t read blogs or books. I watch a lot of “garn” tho. Yep, it’s a thinker, and gross, and… hard.

“blogosphere” sounds cooler than it will ever be. If it was real, there would be a terrorist plot to blow it up.

“wiki” this word is such a fun word to say, just as Sienfield mentioned that “salsa” is a fun word to say. I guess it could get irritating if it was every other word out someone’s mouth. Assuming I’m talking about management. At that point it’s not a concept but more of a noun, adverb, and adjective. Something like, “Could we wiki the wiki then wiki it?” Or something like that. You know my grammar is the goodest.

“godcast”, a religious service which has been converted to an MP3 format. Jesus Christ, can we just call it an MP3 already? God Dammit!

“me-media”, a term for personal content websites such as Facebook and MySpace. I’ve already named those “time wasting” web sites. Facebook is a solo web site for .edu’s only. Oh, oooh, wait no, everyone can sign up now. Way to throw away you’re nitch. MySpace has now invented a way to instantly send someone a message to people you know who are also registered on MySpace. Thanks MySpace, thanks for re-inventing the wheel.

Words aren’t irritating, just annoying to hear them used improperly. Most often it just happens to be “Internet” words. Mostly because morons think they are “techno savvy”. Hey, how was that for a retro phrase?

Thanks to Don and Mike, anytime I hear the word “whatnot” everything said has be stricken from the record. No matter how credible that conversation was.

Phrases are what’s really irritating. Who can forget classics like “… not!” or “talk to the hand!” or “Where’s your sign” or “Git R Done!”

Here are a couple.

“…is the bomb”. Yes, I get it. It’s hot, it’s on fire, it’s about to blow up, big. But not everything can be the bomb. I think what set me off was something like, “This ice cream is the bomb!” Of course it’s good. That’s what fucking ice cream is supposed to be, delicious. This next one, I don’t see how any guy would think it would be something you’d ever say to a woman, “That was some bomb-ass pussy.” That really, for some reason just creeps me out.

“I’m Rick James, bitch!” or “What did the five fingers say to the face?” Thanks for making me never want to watch Chappelle Show again, assholes.

Here is the newest and latest one sweeping the nation:

“I think I just threw up a little in my mouth”. This one says, “I’m not really funny but I’ll steal a quote from a movie, then cover my mouth and pray for a laugh”. Apparently it’s so original, it was used in a couple some-what popular sitcoms and in a couple popular movies. If you really want, I’ll punch you in the throat. Maybe that’ll take your mind off the puke in your mouth.

Computers is hard!

Everyday some one amazes me with their brilliance. Here’s today’s winner…

[quote="Some Guy at Work"]All,

I wanted to share with everyone a pretty cool feature of our email lite script that I did not know about. It turns out, if you create a text field on a form with the name = “cc”, you can have the form results submitted to not only those addresses specified in the email-to value, but also have it “cc” any email address that is entered by the submitter.

This can be used not only for cc’ing the submitter, but also a way for an award nominator, for example, to “cc” a nominee’s manager, etc.

Thanks to <INSERT MY PROFESSIONAL NAME> for figuring out exactly how to do this![/quote]

I feel I have to go explain to him what CC means but I think he’ll shit his pants in excitement.

Are you friends of this pile junk?

http://www.redllama.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=9

If boofer is your friend – I feel very sorry for you.

Uncapped 12-inch PVC pipes

That’s what made me sit in traffic for 2 hours today. Seriously, what mother fucker calls in a pipe, in a ditch, to the police? “Yes, officer, I was 40 feet in the air, on my cell phone, in my uneccessarily large SUV, when my beady eyes pondered over and saw trash in the ditch on the side of a main road. You should get the bomb robot out here on the double!”

They shut down the section of 123 under the beltway, you know, in case it blew up. But, they let everyone drive on the beltway over top where the “bomb” was on 123. Morons.

What so fucking suspicious about a PVC pipe? Did it have a sunglasses and a fucking handlebar mustache. Evily rubbing it’s hands together while shifty eyeing every car that drives by? I’m glad to see tax dollars at work. I don’t care if the cops were just doing their job. They did it shittly. What if the was another emergency? You know, like a real one with people already in the process of dying? There was enough traffic to delay any reaction time.

So, I got detour north to Great Falls road. I circled back to 123 and didn’t take the beltway because it was a parking lot. At this time I didn’t know that 123 was close. Nor did I think of tuning in on the 8’s. So by the time I got back to 123 & 495 I got detoured back north where I just came from. Tysons sucks. Instead of detouring everyone in the same direction they should had figured acouple routes and split everyone up. Makes me feel that I’m smart enough to become a traffic cop. To bad.

I think we should set up some kinda alternating work schedule, where half of everyone in DC works on even days and the rest work on odd days. This would cut traffic in half.

[quote="wtop.com"] Suspicious Item on Route 123 Turns Out to be False Alarm
Dec 6th – 11:18am

McLEAN, Va. – Route 123 in Tysons is expected to reopen at about 11:30 a.m., two hours after it shut down.

The road under the Capital Beltway has been closed as officials investigated a suspicious item, a 12-inch PVC pipe found in a gully. It turned out not to be suspicious.

The closure affected feeder roads to Route 123, including the Dulles Access Road and caused back-ups on the Capital Beltway.[/quote]